The Myth & The Majesty

[Because sometimes I narrate in third person...] It had been a long day. She couldn't fully explain it. Part of it had to do with the number of people who asked if it was particularly quiet at their end of the building now. She usually forced a chuckle and a yes, but the truth was that she hadn't noticed as much as she had expected. Part of it was the fact that she was just plain tired. And perhaps another part was the anticipation of things to come, things that she knew were going to be less than pleasant. In any case, as she walked into the bookstore she wasn't her usual cheerful self -- and she was feeling self-conscious about it. She was surprised at the person working behind the counter in the cafe, a friendly guy who always seemed to remember her. He greeted her as always, chuckled at her "long week" comment, didn't pry when she was uncharacteristically quiet, and handed over her coffee with a smile and a see-you-later. She settled in with a b...

I keep thinking that the odd feeling will pass, that some day I'll feel normal again, but it hasn't happened yet. I've been cleaning all day and not really thinking too terribly hard about anything. It's nice to get a break sometimes (my brain doesn't usually willingly shut down until my body is too tired to support it -- not to say I'm always having worthwhile, world-changing thoughts so much as there's always something to think about), but inevitably things catch up and I find myself overwhelmed. This evening, I stepped out onto my (recently redone) front porch and I was suddenly struck by the oddity of where I am. Wausau's a different place. I grew up in the Midwest, and by definition most of the Midwest is ... familiar. There's not a whole lot of variation from place to place. Perhaps Wausau isn't much different, but it doesn't always feel that way. I think I can understand better now than ever before what it was like for someone to move ...

In the last four years, I have been to 17 weddings (and missed six). I have been a bridesmaid, a hostess, the guestbook girl, the gift-table-girl, the cake server. I have taken pictures, helped with makeup, fixed hair, and -- ew -- helped the bride use the restroom. Through the magic of Storm, I've even helped cook rehearsal and reception meals. I have bought enough gifts, cards, and tissue paper to keep Target going for a month. I like weddings. Not quite on the level of "27 Dresses" (which I just watched and identified with in some horrifying ways), but I have a lot of fun at them. As much as I like weddings, I absolutely love the "How We Met" and "How We Got Engaged" stories. In addition to my parents' story (which is admittedly my favorite), there are two more couples whose stories I'd like to tell you. Megan & Jim Megan and Jim are friends that I babysat for quite a bit my last year in Rapid City. They're about four years older t...

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. -Jane Austen It's funny. I was perusing my old posts from my Blogger dashboard and I came across this one, a draft that I started over two years ago and never finished. While the purpose behind it is now obsolete, it's a topic that has come up more and more in recent days -- one I was even intending to post on -- so I thought I might try my hand at finishing it. I come from a loving family, no doubt. We don't yell (although at times perhaps we should), we spend time together whenever we get the chance, our road trips are hilarious fun, and we're even known to have long conversations at the dinner table. For many years, the phrase "I love you" really wasn't heard, but (most of the time) it didn't seem necessary. It was fact, and fact did not need to be spoken. Things happened, life changed, and now those words do come out a bit more often, but they are rarely said lightly and never taken so. A ...

We all have our addictions. Yeah, even those of you who are currently saying, "What the heck are you talking about?" We all have those one or two things that aren't really necessary to our lives but would be very difficult to give up. Think about it for a moment. Addictions are characterized by your behavior. When you're getting whatever it is on a regular basis, you are calmer, happier, more patient, etc. And when you're not? There's a range. You might be downright impossible to deal with, or you might just be "off" until you fulfill whatever craving it is. Something is missing and your brain and body both know it, even if you can't always place the vacancy. You might still disagree, but remember -- you can be addicted to things that aren't bad for you. For instance, I am addicted to the written word. This isn't a bad thing -- you can bet that my mother wasn't trying to get me to stop reading when I was eight. (Even though it actuall...

Do you have any enemies? I do. Or I did. It's possible he's indifferent now, but for awhile there his hatred of me was strong enough that I could feel the heat if I got within fifty feet of him. It's interesting how that works. How you can go from madly in love with someone to picturing his or her head exploding and enjoying it. Or madly in love with someone to almost fearing him or her. I checked out his former blog today ... It will be disappearing from the Internet soon, if I remember Blogger rules correctly. (Two years without activity and it's gone. Kind of a long life, actually.) I was surprised that I could remember the address, but there it was. I was more surprised when I read a couple of his entries from the time right after us and felt ... nothing. Nothing, where I used to feel guilt. Mild irritation -- an eye-roll at best -- where I used to tear up. All of those big emotions are just plain gone now, and I'm strangely comfortable with that. Let's face...

Well. Here we are. It's 2008. This is a time for reflection. Remembrance. And most of all, looking to the future. And who am I to get in the way of the norm? I think I remember the first time I thought about this particular year. It was my freshman year in high school, and it was during the careers class we had to take with health and P.E. ... That would make it roughly March of 1999. In any case, we were "mapping" what we wanted to do after high school. At that point in time, my plan looked something like: College: secondary education, August 2002 - May 2006 Peace Corps, June 2006 - June 2008 Grad School: English or biology, August 2008 - May 2010 Oh yeah. I had it all planned out. I suppose this goes to show that, when you're 14, you probably don't have much of an idea of what your life will entail, particularly when you're planning for something that won't even start for 3 years. [And, interestingly enough, even then My Plan didn't follow The Plan, ...

This has been in the works all week -- here you go. ------------------------------------------------- Listening to: Rilo Kiley, Nickel Creek, and Lemon Demon Reading: A description of Anna Karenina Thinking about: Wait, that’s the point of blogging, isn’t it? What do you want from your life? I'm not a big fan of motivational jargon. I don't read self-help books or watch TV talk shows. Some people might suggest that I should (please don't), but the full truth is that I don't put much stock in someone who makes their money by giving the masses six steps to fix whatever life problem it is they have. I don't like blanket cures (except maybe penicillin). But I thought today I could irritate myself long enough to kick off this post. The full truth is that my opening question can reveal a lot more to you if you can actually be honest with yourself -- alas, that's not a talent many of us have, myself included. Let's try it for a moment anyway. Simplify things -- w...

Yeah you're blinded by rainbows Watching the wind blow Blinded by rainbows Do you dream at night Do you sleep at night I doubt it -Rolling Stones, "Blinded By Rainbows" It's happening again. I can always feel it coming. Every so often, I have a major crash. It's usually catalyzed by something -- impossibly long work (or school) days, general failure, a lack of sleep ... Sometimes it's only a bad day. In any case, every couple of months, I have a major plummet and it takes about a week to fully recover. There are signs. It used to be that I would want to go for a jog or I'd have serious insomnia. Now, I have the sudden urge to read about Einstein, watch "Pride & Prejudice," and do yoga (yeah, not sure how those are connected). Don't get me wrong -- I get those same urges from time to time during my "normal" phases, but rarely to do all three at the same time. (The insomnia hasn't changed.) I'm not entirely certain why I...

I love nighttime. [I'm also a fan of simplistic sentences, but that's not the point of this post. Wouldn't that be dull?] It hasn't always been like this. I remember a point in time when I was scared of the dark. We all go through that phase when we're little. I mean, the dark is scary. Anything could be out there and we wouldn't know it. When we get older we realize it's just a pair of pants draped over a chair or a jacket hanging up, just a broom behind the door or the vacuum in the corner. The dark doesn't seem so scary anymore -- just inconvenient. You stub your toe on a table and instead of being relieved that it was a table and not something mean and furry, you're frustrated because you knew it was there and weren't conscious enough to avoid it and now your toe hurts. Here's the thing. I'm a jumpy person. (Half my readers just said, "Um -- duh.") Dark didn't necessarily go well with me. I'd freak out a little bit e...

It was six years ago today, on a Saturday nonetheless, that I went to prom. To tell you the truth, I don't remember a whole lot about it. When you're in high school, you're told that it's one of the Big Events that you'll always remember. And while I do remember a few things, it's not exactly high in what I consider Big Events. I had to look back at my journal from that time to even recall anything in particular. I was a junior (my high school had a junior-senior prom -- it's a small town). I had a great dress. The whole day (hot and windy) was spent getting ready, including having my best friend's mom do my hair. A large group of us went to a Mexican restaurant in Sioux Falls whose name I don't remember for dinner, and after that four of us in particular went together in my best friend's dad's very nice truck. Heh heh heh. I didn't much care for it. As far as I was concerned, it was another in a string of dances that mostly bored me. The...

I've been thinking about this for awhile. I apologize for the schizophrenic tendencies it has. I'm just hoping I can get most of it out before my brain starts to empty. It's raining pretty hard outside. Now, I love the rain -- I spent a large chunk of the day out and about in it -- but I'm rather glad to be inside with my tea and a CD playing now that it's dark and cold. Ha! Look at that. Already I'm avoiding the topic I really intended to write about. If I were to be perfectly honest with you, I would tell you that I'm rarely perfectly honest with you. See, I'm not an openly serious person. I crack jokes because it's easier for me if I can keep things light, even at the risk of making things awkward. Awkwardness is easier for me to deal with than the possibility of exposing what I really think about things. I suppose that's why this post from a couple weeks ago was such a big step for me -- I mean, there's some potentially damaging exposure...

because you take life in your stride(instead of scheming how to beat the noblest game a man can proudly lose,or playing dead and hoping death himself will do the same I've been working on this blog for awhile, and I wasn't sure how to approach it. That sounds odd -- after all, if I've been working on it, then obviously I found an approach. In any case, it didn't sound right to me. because you aren't afraid to kiss the dirt (and consequently dare to climb the sky) because a mind no other mind should try to fool has always failed to fool your heart Just recently, however, I started reading some e. e. cummings , and I happened across this poem. Just like that, I had an approach. You see, what I am about to tell you involves a person that I have a certain admiration for. That's right kid -- I admire you. I've seen what he's gone through in the last year plus and I've been privileged with being fairly close to the action. But one thing I've never had ...

I am almost a contributing member of society. Or rather, that expectation is becoming more real. Four days from now, I will be a college graduate, whether I like it or not. It's kind of strange the things you can't stop from happening ... Okay, so technically I could stop myself from graduating, but it would be a pretty extreme measure and it's quite possible that the paperwork wouldn't go through before Saturday. In the meantime, I need a sacrificial goat to make Aspen work and I can't find one. Anyone out there know where to find reasonably priced goats this time of year? The sacrificial ones are a bit out of season, unfortunately. Alas, I will have to do without. We'll see how this goes. Have a good week, everybody!

Currently: Listening to: Third Day's "Christmas Offerings" Thinking about: Russia, Wisconsin, Mexico, bookstores, the 450 final, Christmas presents, and pie Just finished: Olive Garden leftovers (oh happy day ...) It's a Thursday and I don't quite know what to do with myself. For the last three months, my Thursdays have been consumed by large group ... but our last meeting was last week. Today? I'm not even swamped with homework as I have been the previous eight semesters on the Thursday before finals week. Although if it makes you Techies feel any better, I have the take-home final written by Satan himself. I'd call that swamped if I had to turn it in tomorrow, but mostly right now I just read it and have the incredible urge to sleep. Driving home today, it occurred to me that, despite everything, I still have a hard time calling myself an adult. I've been renting a house (two different ones, but all the same) in Rapid for a year and a half now. Groce...

I am the crazy lady. It's amazing the realizations that come with decision-making processes, especially when those realizations repeat themselves. Today, as I was eating chili and reading Blue Like Jazz during my lunch break, I paused and realized that the other part of my brain was narrating. Maybe this is where I run into difficulties concentrating. Part of my brain was reading, but the other part associated with conscious thought was narrating. Have you ever thought about who would play you in a movie about you? I have. It was an icebreaker question a few years back and since then I've evaluated several brunette actresses on the basis of whether or not they could play me in a movie. Currently I think Anne Hathaway would be awesome. That sounds irrelevant, and to be brutally honest, I could delete that paragraph and it wouldn't make much of a difference. I bring it up because, for as long as I can remember, I've pictured my life as a movie, complete with the omnicien...

Something I wrote last week (that I never published): I am the crazy lady. I realized that today while I was walking to lunch, having a very animated conversation with ... myself. That's right. Not only was I talking to myself (admit it, you do it too!), but I was having both sides of the conversation, speaking with large gestures, and generally looking like I had lost my mind. It's entirely possible that the genuinely eccentric were avoiding me. I looked like a madwoman. I've decided that I may still be the crazy lady. Partially because of my convoluted life plans (none of which involve me making much money, but that's okay), partially because I've been listening to Christmas music since Halloween, but mostly because I was talking to myself again, this time walking in from my parking spot in Fargo. A friend of mine told me that 80% of women have expressed a fear of becoming a bag lady. I thought about it and told him I wasn't really afraid of it ... and ...

She never slows down She doesn’t know why But she knows that when she’s all alone It feels like it’s all coming down She won’t turn around The shadows are long And she fears if she cries that first tear The tears will not stop raining down So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it’s all crashing down You stand through the pain You won’t drown And one day what’s lost can be found You stand in the rain I think I found my theme song. Does anyone else remember the "Ally McBeal" theme song episodes? I don't remember the specifics, but I remember hearing each character's "theme song" when he or she was angry, frustrated, or otherwise in need of a boost. I heard this one in the car yesterday on my way to school, and ... it hit home. This week of all weeks, this month of all months, this year of all years, it fits. It's not a bad year, or month, or week. But it is a confusing one, full of decisions that have the potential to determine the next ...