An Engineer's Approach
"Honey, do you know why that little boy did those things, and said those things? It's because he likes you."
And there it is. That's the beginning of our problem ... Do you know what this means? It means we're encouraged -- no, programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk, that means he likes you!
(Flash through scenes of women consoling each other about various jerks.)
Why do we say this stuff to each other? Is it possible it's because we're too scared and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth that's staring everyone in the face?
-He's Just Not That Into You (opening scene)
I love movies, books, and to be perfectly honest, most forms of pop culture. It intrigues me. However, I try not to go to pop culture for advice about much of anything. This movie is one of the poppiest, and based on a poppy book on top of that.
But in every poppy relationship self-help book (or movie, or TV show, or whatever), there is a grain of truth. This one may even have more than one. Despite the fact that this book (movie) was a big thing two years ago, lately I've been having a lot of relationship conversations (no, not that kind -- I'm talking about the theoretical, "If you were in this situation, what would you do?" kind) and more and more, I'm liking some of the very straightforward things that were said in this particular source.
"And the rule is this -- if a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you."
I think a lot of us -- maybe even all of us -- have overly skewed approaches to the whole relationship world. Moreover, I think a lot of us don't realize just how off-balance we are. I'm seeing a lot of people falling into two main extremes -- either they overthink things and end up talking themselves out of a lot of potentially good relationships, or they don't think enough about what they're doing and end up in strings of bad relationships. (One guess as to which of those two extremes I usually follow.)
If we're too pragmatic, using only our heads, we cut people out before they have a chance to make more than a first impression. I've ranted about The List before and this is where that tends to get out of hand. On the flip side, we have those who are controlled by their hormones. However, if there's anything we should have learned from adolescence, it's that hormones are not to be trusted. They can give us clues and indicate all sorts of things, but the second they're relied upon they betray us.
"And let me guess. When you were stalking Conor the other night, were you obsessing about him calling, constantly pacing back and forth and staring at your phone for days even though the date was just kind of mediocre?"
We let both approaches get terribly out of hand. Why? Both of them tend to drive us completely crazy, whether we get tired of being alone or tired of being with the wrong people. And the older we get, the more we seem to try one or the other with just a little too much gusto.
Being who I am, I'm on a constant search for equilibrium ... and I think a solid approach actually has both elements to lesser degrees. A little pragmatism can temper otherwise out-of-hand hormones, but attraction can give you a clue when you might be overthinking things. The right combination could keep you from obsessing about things that just won't work out ... and free you up for something better. Heaven knows I haven't found quite the right approach yet, but I can't help but think that taking a small mental step back to see what's going on -- and more accurately, to what degree -- can still leave plenty of room to know when that right fit has really appeared and fall madly in love.
I'm not saying anything new, and by all means I'm beating it into the ground. But if we let it be that simple, how much pain and annoyance could that save?
Just a thought.
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