SWG2L: Revisiting The List OR How To Picture The Mindset
Guys have a tendency to point out that we girls have checklists ... and generally speaking, we do. I talked about it a little here, but I realized that there has to be a better way to illustrate these things. Now, I give you The Mindset.
This is what I picture when I think about the possibility of a long-term relationship in Wausau. Brace yourself.
(A large crowd of people appears, à la Verizon Wireless commercials. Thousands, fading into the background in relative obscurity. As they're called out, they fall away like trap doors have opened directly underneath them.)
Voiceover. First of all, I'm only into men. (All women fall out of the frame. A few of them yelp.) Straight men. (About ten percent of the men disappear.) And unmarried ones, at that. (Half of the remaining men fall out. There are some more screams.) Preferably over 25 and under 40. (About two-thirds of them drop out. We're left with a good-sized crowd, but some are obviously questionable.) Oh -- let's not forget the ones already in long-term relationships who haven't managed to commit any further. (About half the remaining crowd falls out.)
Voiceover person sighs. Then the weeding starts. First the ones with some kind of violent crime on their records. (Ten percent gone.) Now, there are the ones who are unemployed or living with their parents for some reason besides the crappy economy. (About a third of the remaining crowd drops out. Somewhere in there we hear a Wilhelm scream.)
Voiceover returns, and you can tell she's trying not to laugh. I'm not even getting picky yet. I mean, all I've managed to cut so far are those that are obviously unavailable or just not a good idea. Let's get this crowd together so we can keep going. (The men shuffle together, looking each other over and judging.)
Voiceover. Okay. Start with the ones that have never left Wisconsin, even on vacation for a few days. (Ten percent gone.) And the ones who don't know how to change a tire on their own cars. (Ten percent again.) Out go the ones that don't have any hobbies outside barhopping. (Once again, ten percent of the remaining crowd.) I should probably cut the guys that I work with or the ones who are direct relatives of coworkers. (A handful of guys disappear.) We're going to need similar views on religion. (A solid thirty percent drop out.) Oh, and the video game addicts. No thanks. (A large chunk gone, probably about twenty percent.)
(The crowd is down to about a hundred.)
Voiceover. Okay. Now we can get into interests. I like guys who read ... (ten guys gone) ... more than magazines. (Another ten gone.) And I prefer outdoorsy guys who don't spent hours upon hours watching TV every day. (Fifteen more.) If he drinks only light beer, we're going to have issues. (Another fifteen. That was depressing.) Now, here's a tricky one -- I need a guy who can handle and get along with my sister. That's a little harder to determine, but it all comes down to a sense of humor. (About half the remaining crowd falls out, leaving us with twenty-five men.)
Voiceover. We're now into the guys that would probably make that first cut. These are the first-date ones. Unfortunately, those seven have hidden egos unmatched by most of Hollywood, the kind that only come from advanced degrees and a lack of a grasp on the real world (seven on the far left fall), those three would take longer than me to get ready for that first date (three guys on the far right, all with unmovable hair, fall), and those five in the middle have no interest in a long-term commitment. (Five more down.)
(Camera pans left slightly as one guy wanders away, still keeping the remaining crowd in the frame.)
Voiceover. And that guy has an attention span the same length as mine. Probably not a good idea. (He exits on the left.)
Voiceover. Now those three, while great guys, would rather be with her. (Camera pans right to reveal a young, vapid blonde talking on her cell phone, oblivious to her surroundings.) And they're welcome to her. (Three guys on the right are swept off the screen.)
Voiceover. Leaving me with about six guys, all of whom have potential to be interesting, fantastic gentlemen. Six. I have no idea where they are. And to be honest, I don't have the energy to look. I'll stick with what I know for now.
(Fade to black.)
This is what I picture when I think about the possibility of a long-term relationship in Wausau. Brace yourself.
---
(We see a large, stark white room. No one is there yet and to be perfectly honest we're not really sure what's going on.)
Voiceover. Let's take the population of Wausau.
Voiceover. First of all, I'm only into men. (All women fall out of the frame. A few of them yelp.) Straight men. (About ten percent of the men disappear.) And unmarried ones, at that. (Half of the remaining men fall out. There are some more screams.) Preferably over 25 and under 40. (About two-thirds of them drop out. We're left with a good-sized crowd, but some are obviously questionable.) Oh -- let's not forget the ones already in long-term relationships who haven't managed to commit any further. (About half the remaining crowd falls out.)
Voiceover person sighs. Then the weeding starts. First the ones with some kind of violent crime on their records. (Ten percent gone.) Now, there are the ones who are unemployed or living with their parents for some reason besides the crappy economy. (About a third of the remaining crowd drops out. Somewhere in there we hear a Wilhelm scream.)
Voiceover returns, and you can tell she's trying not to laugh. I'm not even getting picky yet. I mean, all I've managed to cut so far are those that are obviously unavailable or just not a good idea. Let's get this crowd together so we can keep going. (The men shuffle together, looking each other over and judging.)
Voiceover. Okay. Start with the ones that have never left Wisconsin, even on vacation for a few days. (Ten percent gone.) And the ones who don't know how to change a tire on their own cars. (Ten percent again.) Out go the ones that don't have any hobbies outside barhopping. (Once again, ten percent of the remaining crowd.) I should probably cut the guys that I work with or the ones who are direct relatives of coworkers. (A handful of guys disappear.) We're going to need similar views on religion. (A solid thirty percent drop out.) Oh, and the video game addicts. No thanks. (A large chunk gone, probably about twenty percent.)
(The crowd is down to about a hundred.)
Voiceover. Okay. Now we can get into interests. I like guys who read ... (ten guys gone) ... more than magazines. (Another ten gone.) And I prefer outdoorsy guys who don't spent hours upon hours watching TV every day. (Fifteen more.) If he drinks only light beer, we're going to have issues. (Another fifteen. That was depressing.) Now, here's a tricky one -- I need a guy who can handle and get along with my sister. That's a little harder to determine, but it all comes down to a sense of humor. (About half the remaining crowd falls out, leaving us with twenty-five men.)
Voiceover. We're now into the guys that would probably make that first cut. These are the first-date ones. Unfortunately, those seven have hidden egos unmatched by most of Hollywood, the kind that only come from advanced degrees and a lack of a grasp on the real world (seven on the far left fall), those three would take longer than me to get ready for that first date (three guys on the far right, all with unmovable hair, fall), and those five in the middle have no interest in a long-term commitment. (Five more down.)
(Camera pans left slightly as one guy wanders away, still keeping the remaining crowd in the frame.)
Voiceover. And that guy has an attention span the same length as mine. Probably not a good idea. (He exits on the left.)
Voiceover. Now those three, while great guys, would rather be with her. (Camera pans right to reveal a young, vapid blonde talking on her cell phone, oblivious to her surroundings.) And they're welcome to her. (Three guys on the right are swept off the screen.)
Voiceover. Leaving me with about six guys, all of whom have potential to be interesting, fantastic gentlemen. Six. I have no idea where they are. And to be honest, I don't have the energy to look. I'll stick with what I know for now.
(Fade to black.)
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-Tua Sorella