The "L" Word (Part 3)
About nine months ago, I started a series of posts. Alas, like my friend Katie, I am a poor series-poster; when I claim I will post about something, I quickly become bored with the idea.
However, this being the weekend of Valentine's Day, I thought I could continue with my thoughts on love. Brace yourself for some more honesty than I usually give about my own relationships.
My Own Somewhat Boring History
When I was in high school, I did not date. It was that simple. Some of it was choice (I liked guys but was deathly afraid of them) and some of it was the cruelty of high school (I was the smart girl that everybody got along with but no guy would consider dating). In retrospect, I wasn't really missing much, except the chance to call someone my high school sweetheart. Shucks.
When college started, I found myself a commodity in an engineering school -- I was female. I was confident (after that first awkward week). I wasn't going to Tech to meet men. And I had a sense of humor.
Needless to say, this provided a wealth of new opportunities for a nerd from South Dakota. I was a little too reserved to abuse that (thank goodness), but I was finding myself in situations I hadn't previously experienced. For the first time I could remember, boys were interested ... in me.
Serious Boyfriend #1 first showed interest (I think) shortly before Christmas break my freshman year. After some "intervention" from a couple of friends, we started dating the following Valentine's Day.
Our relationship was ... well, the first truly serious relationship for either of us. And we were both convinced we were meant to be, although I suspect that feeling was stronger in him than in me.
At some point, although even in retrospect I can't place when, my feelings started to turn. I was seeing something in him I didn't like, and it was reflecting something in me I didn't like -- a timidity, an inability to stand up for myself. After a little over a year, it occurred to me that perhaps this was no longer a good relationship, and after a couple more months I broke it off.
Serious Boyfriend #2 appeared not long afterward; in fact, I met him less than three weeks later. It would take awhile before anything happened between us, and quite a bit longer than that before we both admitted that we were, in fact, serious about each other. After SB#1, I was cautious, not letting my heart get ahead of my brain -- which had to have been frustrating to the poor guy at times. He was (is) much more "out there" than me, much less reserved and more outgoing. We were an odd couple, but we complemented each other rather well.
For two years, we did the distance thing with considerable success. But, sometime after Christmas my senior year, something shifted.
I was thinking about my life ahead, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do -- and I had no idea. No clue. I was frustrated with school and the thought of being an engineer forever; I didn't know where I wanted to live. And, rather suddenly, the thought of being married -- something SB and I had been discussing -- scared me to death.
That wasn't the only reason (that wouldn't be a good reason by itself), but it led to a rather rotten conversation in the dining room at Storm one night ... and we took a break. That break lingered until we were no longer talking on a regular basis. I can't really nail down an "end" (much as the beginning is a bit fuzzy) but at some point during my last semester, we were over.
Then came the Great Transition. I didn't know where I was going -- so I found reason to avoid men. When I ended up in Wausau, I couldn't seem to get started again.
While there has been a smattering of potential before and around those two and since the second, there has not been anything of particular seriousness. I usually flippantly attribute that to my own inability to commit, but true honesty says that there's more to it than that ...
However, this being the weekend of Valentine's Day, I thought I could continue with my thoughts on love. Brace yourself for some more honesty than I usually give about my own relationships.
My Own Somewhat Boring History
When I was in high school, I did not date. It was that simple. Some of it was choice (I liked guys but was deathly afraid of them) and some of it was the cruelty of high school (I was the smart girl that everybody got along with but no guy would consider dating). In retrospect, I wasn't really missing much, except the chance to call someone my high school sweetheart. Shucks.
When college started, I found myself a commodity in an engineering school -- I was female. I was confident (after that first awkward week). I wasn't going to Tech to meet men. And I had a sense of humor.
Needless to say, this provided a wealth of new opportunities for a nerd from South Dakota. I was a little too reserved to abuse that (thank goodness), but I was finding myself in situations I hadn't previously experienced. For the first time I could remember, boys were interested ... in me.
Serious Boyfriend #1 first showed interest (I think) shortly before Christmas break my freshman year. After some "intervention" from a couple of friends, we started dating the following Valentine's Day.
Our relationship was ... well, the first truly serious relationship for either of us. And we were both convinced we were meant to be, although I suspect that feeling was stronger in him than in me.
At some point, although even in retrospect I can't place when, my feelings started to turn. I was seeing something in him I didn't like, and it was reflecting something in me I didn't like -- a timidity, an inability to stand up for myself. After a little over a year, it occurred to me that perhaps this was no longer a good relationship, and after a couple more months I broke it off.
Serious Boyfriend #2 appeared not long afterward; in fact, I met him less than three weeks later. It would take awhile before anything happened between us, and quite a bit longer than that before we both admitted that we were, in fact, serious about each other. After SB#1, I was cautious, not letting my heart get ahead of my brain -- which had to have been frustrating to the poor guy at times. He was (is) much more "out there" than me, much less reserved and more outgoing. We were an odd couple, but we complemented each other rather well.
For two years, we did the distance thing with considerable success. But, sometime after Christmas my senior year, something shifted.
I was thinking about my life ahead, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do -- and I had no idea. No clue. I was frustrated with school and the thought of being an engineer forever; I didn't know where I wanted to live. And, rather suddenly, the thought of being married -- something SB and I had been discussing -- scared me to death.
That wasn't the only reason (that wouldn't be a good reason by itself), but it led to a rather rotten conversation in the dining room at Storm one night ... and we took a break. That break lingered until we were no longer talking on a regular basis. I can't really nail down an "end" (much as the beginning is a bit fuzzy) but at some point during my last semester, we were over.
Then came the Great Transition. I didn't know where I was going -- so I found reason to avoid men. When I ended up in Wausau, I couldn't seem to get started again.
While there has been a smattering of potential before and around those two and since the second, there has not been anything of particular seriousness. I usually flippantly attribute that to my own inability to commit, but true honesty says that there's more to it than that ...
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