Problematic

Will you tell me when the lights are fading
'Cause I can’t see, I can’t see no more.
Will you tell me when the song stops playing
'Cause I can’t hear, I can’t hear no more.

She said I don’t know what you’re living for -
She said I don’t know what you’re living for at all.
He said I don’t know what you’re living for -
He said I don’t know what you’re living for at all.

But I will run until my feet no longer run no more.
And I will kiss until my lips no longer feel no more.
And I will love until my heart it aches,
And I will love until my heart it breaks,
And I will love until there's nothing more to live for.


I have had the worst of up-and-down weeks.

Don’t get me wrong -- I’d rather up-and-down than just plain down. I have a couple of friends who had just down weeks, and I’d much prefer to stay in my own shoes in this case.

But there’s something that happens with up-and-down weeks that doesn’t happen any other time, and that’s a truly unique emotional exhaustion. From trying to mediate between arguing parties (parties with whom I am very close) to a bridal shower, from a huge blowout to a fantastic night out with friends, my mental state has been all over the map.


So long you've been running in circles
Around what's at stake
But now the time's come for your feet to stand still in one place
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold


It’s weeks like these that tend to inspire insomnia, and this week has been no different. I had a feeling that I wouldn’t be sleeping much when things started happening last Wednesday -- that I would probably find myself laying in bed thinking when instead I should be sleeping. And I was right, at least in a few cases.

A few weeks ago I took a serious me-weekend and stayed up all of Friday night, trying to reset my internal clock so that I could sleep regular hours again. This time, the lack of sleep has had nothing to do with my own mindset and more to do with the world around me.

I doubt a big reset would help the matter at all.


Is this the New Year, or just another night?
Is this the new fear, or just another fright?
Is this the new tear, or just another desperation?
Is this the finger, or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom, or just a hit and miss?
A misdirection most in all this desperation.


Sometimes I push things too hard. Push for perfection, push for understanding, push for openness. And at others I tend in the exact opposite direction, pulling away from people and hoping I can get away with little to no effort.

Sometimes one or the other is necessary. Sometimes either is excessive.

I’ve never been great at finding middle ground in these things.


Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?
It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in ...


This is a weekend for cleaning, for reading, for shopping, for recovery. This is a sabbatical weekend, a badly needed break from the utter chaos of the last two weeks. I like staying busy but this has been utterly ridiculous.


You push until you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay
It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in ...


The dilemma seems to be the fact that I am a problem-solver. It's what I do for a living; it's what I always want to do when presented with an issue. When people come to me for help or even just to vent, I have to be overly conscious of whether or not input is needed right then. The second I know something's wrong, my brain starts trying to figure it out. And when I don't know what to do to make things right, I feel like a failure.


Is nothing here worth saving?
Is there no one here at all?
Is there any net left that can break our fall?
It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down
And the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented?
Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?
It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in ...


So for now, I turn to solvable problems. To my apartment, to my reading list, to my Thanksgiving plans, to my Christmas plans, to my holiday party plans. There are enough things to occupy my mind that have been getting shoved aside in favor of people and events that are by all accounts much more important.

But these are things that need to get done, and I don’t take a breath and get my life in order, there won’t be much left of me to deal with those people and events. Then what use am I, really?

More than I realize -- as long as I can come to grips with the fact that not all problems are meant to be solved. Sometimes they're just meant to be tolerated until something better comes along or they manage to fix -- or heal -- themselves.

I think it's about time I put that idea to the test.


Does justice ever find you?
Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?
And nothing is okay
Until the world caves in ...
Till the world caves in ...

(lyrics from "Run" by Amy MacDonald, "Something Inside" by Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and "The Blues" by Switchfoot")