Breaking The Ice

We never talk anymore.

That's not entirely true. I've been a comparative blogging madwoman for the last few months. Half of those posts have even been worthwhile.

But I've noticed a trend as of late in my life: I am not talking to people. Instead of eating with my friends, I hole up in my cubicle at lunch. I've all but stopped initiating interesting and thought-provoking conversations. And I haven't been to church in ages, for good (out of town) and bad (overslept) reasons. The bottom line is that I'm becoming more and more of a hermit, and it's getting to be a bit alarming.

The truth is -- that's not really me. I love being around people. I love talking to people and hearing what's going on in the lives of my friends ... and complete strangers ... and random acquaintances. Or until about six months ago I did.

I'm not sure what happened. I started shutting myself up, physically and metaphorically. It became easier to sit back and zone out than contribute, and I was content to do just that.

Now, I'm tired of it. It's time for a change.

So let's try a little random honesty, hmm? I feel like talking, and since I can't seem to open up to a real live person, I'll try ranting at the whole world for a bit instead. You're welcome to listen if you want.

I've been single for two years. Completely. Some days it's great because I can do whatever I want. Some days it sucks because whatever I do, I do it alone. That's no fun. I miss the easy late-night conversations, having someone to hang out with, and -- I admit it -- someone else paying for the meal from time to time.

I've remained single because, well, I don't know many eligible men that are a) in my time zone, b) interesting to me, and c) good for me. Three basic requirements, and I haven't met anyone in the last year and a half that actually fits all three. Sad, eh?

I am wholly and completely uninterested in politics. It's not that I don't think our country is in for a huge change after the next election. We are, regardless of who gets elected. It has a lot more to do with the fact that I am rather jaded about our choices. I mean, seriously. Is this the best we can do? Feel free to defend your choice here, but don't expect me to give it much thought. Neither Obama nor McCain has impressed me in recent history, and I find that depressing.

Maybe I'm waiting for something great that will never happen. Maybe I'll just be waiting for a few more years. (Unfortunately, it won't be until the 2020 election that my first choice for president will actually be eligible to run. We'll see what waves he makes in the meantime.) Not to say I won't vote. I will. I may, however, throw a few fits between now and November.

I worry a lot. About my future, about my siblings' futures (they're both headed for some big-time Crossroads in the next few months), about where I'll be in two years and what I'll be doing. I worry about my friends, their relationships, and their habits. And lately gas prices have been stressing me out a bit, too.

I am increasingly irritated with some of my closer friends and their various levels of hardheadedness, meanness, and/or pretension. Things I saw before are getting amplified and I don't like it. But then again, it's never fun to be let down by people you care about, even though it's inevitable -- we're all only human. I can only imagine what people have seen in me recently.

I cried really hard this past weekend for the first time in about ... 26 months. Really, really hard. Sleep deprivation, irritation, and downright anger all played into it, along with one single sideways comment that set it off. An hour later, I finally managed to sleep. It was horrible and wonderful at the same time. I felt human again.

I don't miss watching television.

I wish I had some chocolate right now.

My apartment is a disaster.

I have finally started whittling away at the pile of unread books in my living room. Or at least I'm carrying more with me now -- I need to focus on one book at a time if I'm ever going to finish them, though.

I doubt you care about that, though.

I would love to write about LifeLight and how it was awesome and fun and all that -- because it was -- but I really can't. It was great. For now, I'll leave it at that.

I'm ready for the summer to be over. It was a nutty one and I could use some comparative normalcy. I could also go for some reasonable weather.

I was listening to Christmas music last week. Yeah, you heard me.

My family is coming out here for Thanksgiving and I'm thrilled. Lord knows I've been here long enough -- I've wanted them to come visit ever since I moved to this apartment. My mom was finally convinced which was all it really took, in the end.

I don't really think I fit in around here.

I'm genuinely nervous about who might end up reading this post.

I'm tired now and I'm going to go to bed. Good night.