Tuesday, January 11, 2005



What's wrong with me?

It's kind of strange. I've found that I have this little ability to shut myself off. My emotions, my thoughts, my hindrances -- just off at the touch of a button. But ... Well, what if I can't seem to turn them back on again?

I remember having those emotions and thoughts. I know they exist, somewhere inside me, but I'm not feeling them anymore. Nothing revives, nothing awakens. Every once in awhile, I get a twinge, but that's about it.

I can trace the origin of this deficiency, too, and anyone who knows me would probably know when that was. (A clue: about eight months ago.) I dealt with the feelings for awhile, then found this little switch, and I turned them off. Those particular feelings -- especially the angry ones -- come back (regarding that particular person) from time to time, but there haven't been any new emotions popping up in extremes, nothing like what I've felt before -- no extreme highs or lows, no extreme anger, no extreme happy.

Just twinges where I would normally feel extremes, twinges to replace real emotion, with precious few exceptions (I felt true happiness this summer, at least for a little while -- after all, I knew I was supposed to be there). Besides that, I'm a shell. I can empathize just fine because yes, I've been there -- but for whatever reason, I don't seem to be there now.

I'm a little bit surprised that I'm sticking this out on the web for everyone to read and judge, but once again -- no hindrances. If I don't feel shame about it, then why not let everyone else know what's going on?

Besides, some of you might have some insight for why I no longer feel human. Don't bother telling me that it's because I'm just not a decent human anymore anyway. Part of me doesn't really care what you say (a lot of me won't care if it's insulting). But that other part of me, the part that misses having those emotions ... Well, she's confused, and she hates it.


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